Precarious
I hate to admit this, but I'm losing. Losing time, and life, in essence.
I revisit this blog and read with horror how years and months ago I was harping about living life to the fullest, connecting widely with people, and envisioning a better sense of purpose in my life ahead. Seems like I have failed.
In Year 2012, I find myself still none the wiser. Graduating with a degree in Accounting was indeed just a safety net - I do not intend to pursue a career in accounting - which essentially leaves me an unskilled, general worker in this knowledge economy. What are my strengths? Where am I heading - what exactly do I want to do? This lack of clarity could leave my career development in tatters.
Physically I'm in no better shape than before. Across all 5 IPPT sectors there have been no significant improvement - it's a relief that with such minimum effort I have managed to maintain a basic standard of passing IPPT annually. My only saving grace over the years is completing several 10km, one 18km and one 21km running events.
Skills-wise - it supposedly takes 10,000 hours to become reasonably skilled in any particular area. I am putting zero effort into chalking up the hours required in any field of expertise.
Socially - Facebooking doesn't count, really. It provides a false sense of being "connected" at all times - it doesn't replace the real connection and interaction. And I hate myself for being a wimp and hanging onto hopeless threads of a failed courtship, so long, long time ago - it's over (Are you sure? It never started, idiot), get on with life (you're the only one believing in that hypothetic future).
Spiritually unguided, lacking role models and sense of direction.
What is the use of earning a paper qualification but almost not having lived at all? This lack of purpose and achievement in my life is slowly but surely eroding my life and killing me.
Perhaps it's timely at this juncture to give thanks for all that have been bestowed upon me despite my failures.
I am thankful for having a roof over my head, a job that provides enough to eat and reasonable excesses.
I am thankful for experiencing, albeit for a very short time, how satisfying wonderful human relationships could be.
I am thankful for being healthy, which will continue to allow me an undeserved chance for turning my life around for the better.
I am thankful for having a good reporting officer (not for long, I know), and meeting many supportive colleagues (though many are leaving).
I am thankful for having found this job, for I cannot imagine myself slogging in an audit firm instead the past few months.
I am thankful for friends and acquaintances who are present in my life in one way or another.
Just thankful to be alive. But what's next?
I feel that I am becoming a Jack of all trades. Not especially good in any particular area (for I do not spend focused hours practicing any particular skill), just coordinating tasks to keep everything in sync.
I am not deriving pleasure from human relationships. A wreckage, at the moment.
I wonder how I can get out of this - a mess of "nothingness".
I revisit this blog and read with horror how years and months ago I was harping about living life to the fullest, connecting widely with people, and envisioning a better sense of purpose in my life ahead. Seems like I have failed.
In Year 2012, I find myself still none the wiser. Graduating with a degree in Accounting was indeed just a safety net - I do not intend to pursue a career in accounting - which essentially leaves me an unskilled, general worker in this knowledge economy. What are my strengths? Where am I heading - what exactly do I want to do? This lack of clarity could leave my career development in tatters.
Physically I'm in no better shape than before. Across all 5 IPPT sectors there have been no significant improvement - it's a relief that with such minimum effort I have managed to maintain a basic standard of passing IPPT annually. My only saving grace over the years is completing several 10km, one 18km and one 21km running events.
Skills-wise - it supposedly takes 10,000 hours to become reasonably skilled in any particular area. I am putting zero effort into chalking up the hours required in any field of expertise.
Socially - Facebooking doesn't count, really. It provides a false sense of being "connected" at all times - it doesn't replace the real connection and interaction. And I hate myself for being a wimp and hanging onto hopeless threads of a failed courtship, so long, long time ago - it's over (Are you sure? It never started, idiot), get on with life (you're the only one believing in that hypothetic future).
Spiritually unguided, lacking role models and sense of direction.
What is the use of earning a paper qualification but almost not having lived at all? This lack of purpose and achievement in my life is slowly but surely eroding my life and killing me.
Perhaps it's timely at this juncture to give thanks for all that have been bestowed upon me despite my failures.
I am thankful for having a roof over my head, a job that provides enough to eat and reasonable excesses.
I am thankful for experiencing, albeit for a very short time, how satisfying wonderful human relationships could be.
I am thankful for being healthy, which will continue to allow me an undeserved chance for turning my life around for the better.
I am thankful for having a good reporting officer (not for long, I know), and meeting many supportive colleagues (though many are leaving).
I am thankful for having found this job, for I cannot imagine myself slogging in an audit firm instead the past few months.
I am thankful for friends and acquaintances who are present in my life in one way or another.
Just thankful to be alive. But what's next?
I feel that I am becoming a Jack of all trades. Not especially good in any particular area (for I do not spend focused hours practicing any particular skill), just coordinating tasks to keep everything in sync.
I am not deriving pleasure from human relationships. A wreckage, at the moment.
I wonder how I can get out of this - a mess of "nothingness".
posted by Zhane at 10:42 PM
0 comments
