Disappointment with myself
Am I getting old? I have been trying to look for some long-lost friends recently and seeing everyone have developed their talents, I feel very proud of their achievements and at the same time very much ashamed of myself.
Kok said I had strong referent power. But when I think about how many friends I have not neglected after so long, I have serious doubts about it. Yuki mentioned this, "... I don't know what you do in your personal time," I knew she meant that she did not know what I am busy with, but honestly when I thought about it even I found it hard to answer the question too. Just look at what I am doing now...
Perhaps I have spent too much time thinking. All thoughts and no action = day-dreams? Yes I must have had lots of dreaming done during the day all this while. I seemed to have contracted this fear of failure, his desire to do something big, waiting for something big to happen, this planning to perfection so that no time is wasted, no mistake would happen. In the end, after this seemingly "busy" period of flurry, in the mind, the window of opportunity passed by quietly, and closed, with nothing done. Nothing at all. And all that is left is the look of envy as others enjoy their time and share their joy with friends and family.
Asocday yesterday seemed like a slap on the face. No, make no doubt that it was a wonderful and pleasant event which entertained most who attended. I would feel that this year's event may have overtooked last year's in terms of entertainment value and quality of performance as well. But I felt real bad about myself as I listened to the pipa playing a song from the House of Flying Daggers. I thought, "After spending 6 years playing the erhu, do I have the skill to perform solo on-stage? Perhaps I am only good enough to perform in an orchestra. But nowadays am I even performing in any orchestra? It occurred to me as though I had wasted 6 years of my life. Yes I have made invaluable friendships, but I have no significant skill, or talent, to display.
Why is this important? To show off to people how good am I? No this should not be the case. But I felt lacking in terms of skill and knowledge. I am learning how to be an accountant but my grades now are telling me I need more work; I am neither skilled in any sport or music. Perhaps what I need now is more expert power.
I thought of my primary schoolmate Sng. I wanted to know how someone who was sitting right next to me during primary school was doing. At that time the environment seemed to focus on using academic ability as a measure in deciding whether a person would succeed in future. I was deemed to academically stronger than her at that time, and now I am keen to find out whether how well has this theory held.
Without disclosing too much about Sng withour her consent, she is now an expert IT designer, and an outstanding one, in my opinion. I viewed her portfolio and I must say that I like her designs very much. I am very impressed. She mentioned that she did not fare well academically before her poly days. But looking at her now, she is a very good young designer enjoying her work and study, and based on this I feel that she has much to be proud of herself.
Look at me. I would love to design but I am unskilled. Neither am I good at playing erhu and accounting. What I do know now is that, regardless of what is being said or had been said about academic ability, I am simply not good at anything right now. My skill set is lacking, and I do not have a skill that I could be proud of.
Perhaps what I want is this: I want to be doing something that I enjoy, be good at it, and then spread my love to everyone. Just like how YJ loves his KRR, mastered Jap , and is now happily doing translation work. That is what he does in his personal time; he enjoys doing it and he is getting good at it. Yuki loves the blue sea; soon she is going to become an elite Lvl 3 kayaker, and she is enjoying life, balancing time between sm_x, church, and bf.
So how about me? Let me try..
1) I love cycling and driving.
2) I should be reading..
3) Staring at notes more than reading them. In the end nothing learnt and I cannot finish my pre-lesson readings, spend too much time on projects, and end up sleeping so late and turning up dozing off during seminars.
4) I tried and obtained kayaking level one certification. But I seemed to lack confidence of overcoming the thought of sitting in such confined space floating out at sea. As much as I love just spending time lying on the deck of a boat admiring the sea, yes I prefer to love the sea while on a larger boat. Perhaps I just prefer more space.
5) Skating? Beyond what I learnt with NHS and that single skating with Shaun, my learning at X_seed has been dismal. I seemed reluctant to invest in my own skates and over the past year I have not mastered anything. Did more events planning than skating, in fact.
6) I am interested in learning how to invest.
7) I want to do more volunteer work.
8) I enjoy watching Den-o, D. Gray Man, and Gundam 00.
9) My erhu is gathering dust at home.
10) I should be exercising more.
And more. A lot issues I have thinking for some time. Some for years in fact. Perhaps the spectre of having to meet so many deadlines gave me plenty of reasons to procrastinate, or the stress just makes me simply not care at all. But the thing is, exams is just over the horizon, and bidding is starting again, and all these need some planning. And not forgetting the 4-week December break.
So what should I do? While I must admit that sometimes I look on with "envy" at how some have partners to confide in, most probably I would and should tidy up my mind and get it organised on the own, quickly, because in the end I am the one bearing the pain and I am encountering increasing difficulty providing joy to people around me with this mental block affecting me. How long will I take? Oh my oh my...
Kok said I had strong referent power. But when I think about how many friends I have not neglected after so long, I have serious doubts about it. Yuki mentioned this, "... I don't know what you do in your personal time," I knew she meant that she did not know what I am busy with, but honestly when I thought about it even I found it hard to answer the question too. Just look at what I am doing now...
Perhaps I have spent too much time thinking. All thoughts and no action = day-dreams? Yes I must have had lots of dreaming done during the day all this while. I seemed to have contracted this fear of failure, his desire to do something big, waiting for something big to happen, this planning to perfection so that no time is wasted, no mistake would happen. In the end, after this seemingly "busy" period of flurry, in the mind, the window of opportunity passed by quietly, and closed, with nothing done. Nothing at all. And all that is left is the look of envy as others enjoy their time and share their joy with friends and family.
Asocday yesterday seemed like a slap on the face. No, make no doubt that it was a wonderful and pleasant event which entertained most who attended. I would feel that this year's event may have overtooked last year's in terms of entertainment value and quality of performance as well. But I felt real bad about myself as I listened to the pipa playing a song from the House of Flying Daggers. I thought, "After spending 6 years playing the erhu, do I have the skill to perform solo on-stage? Perhaps I am only good enough to perform in an orchestra. But nowadays am I even performing in any orchestra? It occurred to me as though I had wasted 6 years of my life. Yes I have made invaluable friendships, but I have no significant skill, or talent, to display.
Why is this important? To show off to people how good am I? No this should not be the case. But I felt lacking in terms of skill and knowledge. I am learning how to be an accountant but my grades now are telling me I need more work; I am neither skilled in any sport or music. Perhaps what I need now is more expert power.
I thought of my primary schoolmate Sng. I wanted to know how someone who was sitting right next to me during primary school was doing. At that time the environment seemed to focus on using academic ability as a measure in deciding whether a person would succeed in future. I was deemed to academically stronger than her at that time, and now I am keen to find out whether how well has this theory held.
Without disclosing too much about Sng withour her consent, she is now an expert IT designer, and an outstanding one, in my opinion. I viewed her portfolio and I must say that I like her designs very much. I am very impressed. She mentioned that she did not fare well academically before her poly days. But looking at her now, she is a very good young designer enjoying her work and study, and based on this I feel that she has much to be proud of herself.
Look at me. I would love to design but I am unskilled. Neither am I good at playing erhu and accounting. What I do know now is that, regardless of what is being said or had been said about academic ability, I am simply not good at anything right now. My skill set is lacking, and I do not have a skill that I could be proud of.
Perhaps what I want is this: I want to be doing something that I enjoy, be good at it, and then spread my love to everyone. Just like how YJ loves his KRR, mastered Jap , and is now happily doing translation work. That is what he does in his personal time; he enjoys doing it and he is getting good at it. Yuki loves the blue sea; soon she is going to become an elite Lvl 3 kayaker, and she is enjoying life, balancing time between sm_x, church, and bf.
So how about me? Let me try..
1) I love cycling and driving.
2) I should be reading..
3) Staring at notes more than reading them. In the end nothing learnt and I cannot finish my pre-lesson readings, spend too much time on projects, and end up sleeping so late and turning up dozing off during seminars.
4) I tried and obtained kayaking level one certification. But I seemed to lack confidence of overcoming the thought of sitting in such confined space floating out at sea. As much as I love just spending time lying on the deck of a boat admiring the sea, yes I prefer to love the sea while on a larger boat. Perhaps I just prefer more space.
5) Skating? Beyond what I learnt with NHS and that single skating with Shaun, my learning at X_seed has been dismal. I seemed reluctant to invest in my own skates and over the past year I have not mastered anything. Did more events planning than skating, in fact.
6) I am interested in learning how to invest.
7) I want to do more volunteer work.
8) I enjoy watching Den-o, D. Gray Man, and Gundam 00.
9) My erhu is gathering dust at home.
10) I should be exercising more.
And more. A lot issues I have thinking for some time. Some for years in fact. Perhaps the spectre of having to meet so many deadlines gave me plenty of reasons to procrastinate, or the stress just makes me simply not care at all. But the thing is, exams is just over the horizon, and bidding is starting again, and all these need some planning. And not forgetting the 4-week December break.
So what should I do? While I must admit that sometimes I look on with "envy" at how some have partners to confide in, most probably I would and should tidy up my mind and get it organised on the own, quickly, because in the end I am the one bearing the pain and I am encountering increasing difficulty providing joy to people around me with this mental block affecting me. How long will I take? Oh my oh my...
posted by Zhane at 4:55 PM
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