Introspection Feb 2008
These few weeks have been trying. Initially in part due to the usual school work, but with family and personal issues adding on nearer the present today.
It was the personal attitude that disturbed me most. Going unprepared for work, be it interviews, tests, or lessons, has never been a proud hallmark of my life. “No one plans to fail, but only fails to plan” so said the late Miss Chan, in her orange slip of encouragement back then. But now my mind would just refuse to execute any plan. Sluggishly the dark side of me, or perhaps just me, would drag time, right to the very last half hour or even 15 minutes, before any sense of urgency starts to upsurge and finally overwhelm the sluggish state of mind; frantically I would start to panic and rush to find all means and ways salvage whatever I could from this self-inflicted crisis.
Missed an application deadline, ill prepared for an interview, exams, and lessons, being late for class – nothing anyone should be proud of. Notwithstanding a nil record of mentionable achievement, I struggle to answer even a simple query of “tell me about you”. Amidst a plunging sense of self-worth, a lack of motivation towards everyday life, I find myself deeply buried, sinking in due to my own weight.
Life is short, some would say, and this I would now remind myself. The sick who bravely soldiered on in life, the poor who struggled on to make ends meet, the handicapped who disregarded their disability and lived on with what they can. And here I am, healthy young adult at 23 years of age, living in, I believe, the 50th percentile of Singapore’s population by household income per capita.
I have achieved academic excellence before, as some would say, and I should think that this should be the cornerstone of how I would earn the income necessary to support my home and raise a family in future. Desires that would make for a satisfying life should therefore perhaps come second behind the need to support my dependents. Of course a life with only money but no love and kinship seems to be a worthless lifetime to me. Hence I must find ways to keep these two objectives in tandem, and let these be the motivation in my life. Every morning I should wake up thinking of my loved ones, about how I must be capable, in terms of knowledge and physical ability, to provide support to them for the remainder of my life. And to do this, I must first keep myself fit and healthy to live on, and then maintain a positive mindset to actively learn and consistently improve my knowledge and skills, to become an important asset in supporting myself and the people I love and treasure. This sluggishness only seeks to undermine these, and I must be good soon, quickly.
While I may recognize this right now, I tend to find it hard to remain in this proper state of mind consistently. I wonder if I can do it this time.
It was the personal attitude that disturbed me most. Going unprepared for work, be it interviews, tests, or lessons, has never been a proud hallmark of my life. “No one plans to fail, but only fails to plan” so said the late Miss Chan, in her orange slip of encouragement back then. But now my mind would just refuse to execute any plan. Sluggishly the dark side of me, or perhaps just me, would drag time, right to the very last half hour or even 15 minutes, before any sense of urgency starts to upsurge and finally overwhelm the sluggish state of mind; frantically I would start to panic and rush to find all means and ways salvage whatever I could from this self-inflicted crisis.
Missed an application deadline, ill prepared for an interview, exams, and lessons, being late for class – nothing anyone should be proud of. Notwithstanding a nil record of mentionable achievement, I struggle to answer even a simple query of “tell me about you”. Amidst a plunging sense of self-worth, a lack of motivation towards everyday life, I find myself deeply buried, sinking in due to my own weight.
Life is short, some would say, and this I would now remind myself. The sick who bravely soldiered on in life, the poor who struggled on to make ends meet, the handicapped who disregarded their disability and lived on with what they can. And here I am, healthy young adult at 23 years of age, living in, I believe, the 50th percentile of Singapore’s population by household income per capita.
I have achieved academic excellence before, as some would say, and I should think that this should be the cornerstone of how I would earn the income necessary to support my home and raise a family in future. Desires that would make for a satisfying life should therefore perhaps come second behind the need to support my dependents. Of course a life with only money but no love and kinship seems to be a worthless lifetime to me. Hence I must find ways to keep these two objectives in tandem, and let these be the motivation in my life. Every morning I should wake up thinking of my loved ones, about how I must be capable, in terms of knowledge and physical ability, to provide support to them for the remainder of my life. And to do this, I must first keep myself fit and healthy to live on, and then maintain a positive mindset to actively learn and consistently improve my knowledge and skills, to become an important asset in supporting myself and the people I love and treasure. This sluggishness only seeks to undermine these, and I must be good soon, quickly.
While I may recognize this right now, I tend to find it hard to remain in this proper state of mind consistently. I wonder if I can do it this time.
posted by Zhane at 9:21 PM
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