2006 draws to a close tonight

Early 2006 saw the handover of my NS duties to the next generation of soldiers. The process was intense - ensuring a proper handing and taking over process, lobbying for the granting of deserved days of "off" and entitled leave, getting the required signatures for clearing of duties, becoming "stay-out" personnel, being veh. commander for the drivers...

Though I did not manage to convert my military driving license, I believe that getting a peaceful mind then was of higher priority. The trade-off would be having to pay and get a civilian license, a process that I'm still undergoing. Slightly overdue, but I intend to complete it by the end of next January.

So much talk about "integrity", but I'm sure time will tell, and it has, in fact, spoken, in part.

By mid-June, I took up invigilation and I'm glad that I found a temporary job that suited my lifestyle preference then. Intermittent days of rest and work, so that I can pursue other interests as well. It had been a privilege to be able to enjoy life for a while. Mid 2006 was also a time of World Cup soccer frenzy. I still remembered how badly I wanted the Japan away jersey, and went on my first visit to Queensway Shopping Centre with some of 8 (CQ, kendrick, pierre etc) Well, in the end, I satisfied myself with a Germany away jersey, bought at some "pasir lamam"at Bedok Central for $12...

July was a musical month. Jamie Cullum and Coldplay concerts! Great entertainment, but the Coldplay concert did burn a small hole in my pocket =P One-off event haha~

August - a defining month, where aftermaths of events continue to influence my daily life today.

"Fate has it that I would meet someone who's almost perfectly identical to her. Oh my isnt the past starting to resurface again. Instincts dictate that I must cherish the friendship this time much more than before. The more I think of it, the more I thank Fate for sending such a person to my side again. It makes me really want to be a better person, every aspect of me. Hopefully, the friendship made this time will last for eternity. I have no wish to lose it, again."

Words of mine in August. Food for thought in December once more. Going by my August doctrine, sustainability is the key, and I should not contemplate doing anything that could possibly jeopardize it.

I had a hard time concentrating on studies amidst the chaos in my mind. I may have survived the last term - barely, in fact - but I do not intend to carry on suffering.

"This may senseless, in future if I were to ever read this article again, but I strongly believe it's a test of how far I have developed, before and after NS. Can I take on the challenge? Exorcise those hounding me, take advantage of the obstacles placed before me, and cement a long-lasting friendship.

Summon the strength within you son, face the challenge once more, make your lessons count. Don't ever repeat your mistakes again."

Comparatively, my struggle has lasted longer. But I attribute this more to her greater patience and tolerance than my handling of the issue. "Cementing a long-lasting friendship" - that was the original objective. Have I strayed? Obviously, and resounding, yes! The faster I regain sight of the original mission, the sooner I can achieve inner peace. If so, then I would be able to adopt a "holding" stance. The issue is, for how long? A long-drawn issue, it becomes. But also a longer lasting friendship... Should I probe more? Or wait? Hmmm...... Judgment calls.

Another issue, for a change. Friendships do not seem to last too long, it seems, at least nowadays. People moving on to the next phase, and so on. As I age, it strikes me that it is harder to keep friends. Certainly, there are more characters entering my life, but many are leaving too.

So is kk one of those too? The amount of brain activity spent thinking about her - what if my thoughts were focused elsewhere instead? Would anything have changed? At this point, perhaps it would be unwise to think too much about spilt milk...

Indeed, I must begin preparations for other pressing issues. Building a decent resume is one. I must not lose sight of the future, while fighting the current war. Securing my future is not only serving my own needs, but securing the future needs of my dependents as well, whoever they may be.

Happy 2007. I must carve out a victory, somehow. War on multiple fronts.

Lost

I knew it was a mistake, right from the beginning.

"Swiss Angel?? Damn if I were to know this person, I'll most likely ... "

Condition met, and the inference turned out to be true as well. Was it a test for me? I seem to have failed it then. Maybe not yet. Maybe.

How about ending the year with a big bang? Confession. Hahaha get it over and done with. Sounds as though I already know the answer and just want to be a sitting duck. "What? You mean you..." *Bang* "I'm sorry, but I dun..." *Bang* "I'm sorry, but I only treat you as a ..." *Bang*Bang*Bang*

Logic says, "Get to know her better, when the opportunity arises." If not, maintain status quo, and let the emotions fade with time.

Fine, how about a change from gloomy weather to a sunny day? She likes you too! Are you ready for a relationship in the first place? Are you sure you are ready, capable enough to inject happiness into someone else's life? Or would you end up bringing misery to your dearest instead? Love does not necessitate possession.

And, the coming term can be a defining one. Carrying forth this internal mess into the new term does not seem to be a wise move. A confession that draws ridicule or rebuke will ensure I embark on the journey to recovery, with much work for me to drown my sorrows in. A confession that results in union will allow my heart and mind to settle down, to concentrate on the battles ahead. But I must also start to learn how to take care of a partner. Meanwhile, putting a KIV tag on the entire issue holds out hope that there may be more opportunities in future for us to interact, and this may increase my chances of success. But I'll have to learn to control my ever-raging impulse to push for an early Judgment Day.

I give myself 1 more hour to decide. Adjourned.

Back from Thailand

18 days. So much happened, more than expected. I did not have the will to conclude each day's events in a diary, so now I'll have to slowly piece out the more memorable parts. Perhaps it'd be easier if I had access to the pictures later in January.

Regarding the issue of kk, I guess it'd soon be time for me to evaluate whether to "kiss goodbye", or hang on to the day dreams. My buddy said, the right way is always the harder choice. Now I'm not even sure which is a harder choice. Or maybe I'm just sleepy.

Alright, tonight, I make a choice. Let go, and then see how things go. I expect to find a more peaceful inner self in the short-term, as I let go of this mental burden, and start to analyse my new academic environment. As I am not expecting any common class with kk, contact should be absent, or minimum. A few blips are expected, to test my resilience, but unless any possible clear intentions are shown, which is highly unprobable, I am anticipating a shifting of focus onto studies and the proper co-curricular activities. Comms and Biz law are the important mods it seems to me, needing at least an A-, to fulfill the double-degree requirements for BBM as secondary degree.

Merry X'mas. Be strong, and be stronger. New Year resolutions.

All the best,

JL