Releasing opposing thoughts in my mind

Past performance is no guarantee of future results. Thinking this way keeps one's feet firmly on the ground ,in the light of past achievements. But it is still legitimate to seek strength and comfort from past achievements, especially at times of low confidence and morale. Against all adversity, against all odds. There are much to be learnt from one's past too, so perhaps one should not be too eager about forgetting one's past.

Should I talk to kk when I see her? I'm not sure, but this tacitly means a "no", since indecision leads to silence. The "yes" side says, "Talk. You never know if you will ever see her after today." The "no" side says, "Stay clear. Don't let her see you. There's nothing to talk about anyway. A short "hi" and "bye" just feels so awkward. Wait till there's a chance for longer conversations."

I'm not sure what kk's perspective is. "Ha he's just one of those boys treating me like an object - brushed aside when there's no furthur value". Or "He just feels awkward, but I know he still treats as a good friend". Or "Who cares? I have so much more issues to deal with, let alone care about a fool floating around on campus."

I guess it's a mix between the last two possibilities. I am just an ant. Too small and insignificant. Who cares?

And why should I?

I realise I have been discussing these issues with myself, and perhaps some others at times. But seldom with kk. Hardly fair to her. That is, if she cares at all.

Assuming an optimistic view of the situation - that is, she does care - how should I let loose all my thoughts, such that she understands? Or is there a need at all? Reveal the existence of this blog on MSN? Most probably all but kk will read my past posts and blast me for being naive and desperate. Sending an email saying, "Hey I have a blog. Read it" sounds weird to kk. And it may appear that I had purposely posted all these for kk to read - it seems so fake and desperate. I might as well just send kk an email, instead of directing her to my shrine. Fool.

So what if kk reads? I doubt the posts are touching at all. Frustration is the more probable tone. I would seem more like a poisoned man. Hopeless, beyond cure.

Oh my, am I so free to be thinking about this matter again? Hey you have the same battles like kk to fight as well. Thanks.

What's worth fighting for - help oneself, to help others