Saving a friendship

The reason behind the entanglement now is that I am afraid of losing kk as a friend - just like the rest of the group, who are now mere acquaintances. Leaving things to fate seems to lead to diverting paths. While I acknowledge the principle of criss-crossing lives, I am unable to accept the bitterness of it.

Jing said I looked more matured, darker but a little sad. 自信心 - 以前不是这样（低）的。

Shu said I looked happy like before.

Imm said I was a funny man...

etc.

Slowly I have managed to mask the pains my heart and soul is feeling. Meantime, I have a friendship to save. But could I? It feels like going "against" natural progression, and usually this leads to nowhere eventually.

I sense that the whole relationship is hitting rock-bottom. Previously I had chosen to stay clear. Whatever the reasons behind this choice, now I realised that doing so promotes alienation and increases misunderstandings. This is not how friendship develops. Deliberately and unilaterally choosing this path suddenly does not seem so righteous anymore. It is not a worthy sacrifice made. I must find ways to normalise relations, otherwise I may regret it later.

Never adopt isolation policy again. All attempts for implementing this policy had resulted in a frentic recovery effort afterwards. The correct way is kiteflying method - releasing and pulling at the right times - not letting go all at once or reclaiming in a hurry. Either way freaks ppl out.

Ok that's in theory. I'll have to perfect the execution if I were to succeed.

Right, I shan't waste time talking to myself anymore. There's something worth fighting for now. Nope not as sacred as love, but as basic as friendship.

The pianist is gone. And so is the piano...

I had a favorite corner at Raffles City SC. From there I could listen to the mesmerizing pianist performing downstairs at the hotel lobby. It was a quiet spot too. Peace and serenity. In a shopping centre.

Now that I'm at SMU, I always thought that since it is so close, I can drop by very conveniently, anytime I wish. But I was pre-occupied most of the time, and it was not until today that I visited this special place again.

When I saw no pianist in sight, I thought that maybe it was not the performance time yet. But as I look around the lobby, I realised that there is no longer any piano anywhere. I'm too late. Since some time ago, piano performance must have been canceled. *ouch*

I wonder why. Don't the hotel clients enjoy the piano serenade while they wait at the lobby? How could the hotel bear to terminate it? If only I had visited this place earlier. Never mind that Mano Cafe opened and took up a sizeable amount of space. There's still a little corner left for me. But now the entire setup is gone... It's a pity. I do not have many "special" places in mind. So it's now one less place to remember.


A few sites have that special allure that makes me classify them as "favorites" - places I'd love to go, chill, relax and just laze around, hopefully with a significant Other. Many sites are near sch. Perhaps I should take the effort to visit these places, even if alone, just to make sure no more has been closed to make way for re-development or whatever other purposes. I don't know when Destiny planned for me to bring a significant Other along. Surely I can't be waiting forever for that to happen, and meanwhile these places disappear one after another.

Hope I can spare some time one of these days to visit some of them. It's a bonus then if I get to bring anyone else along (and lottery if that person is kk? *slapz*).

*****

Thinking of you...

Impromptu Photo Hunt

Earlier in the week, I was supposed to go visit CAS. But at the last minute the trip was cancelled. So since I had my camera with me, I just couldn't resist the temptation of taking some shots. Here goes:

Missing you on another sleepless night

Destiny. I'm still not sure whether to thank Destiny - for sending such a wonderful person like kk to cross my path in life. Yes there were times of joy. But in kk's absence, it was pretty tortuous. I missed kk, lots. No single day passes by without thinking of kk. While the initial impulsive aspect of it has somewhat mellowed, now I simply hope that kk's happy.

Instinctively I believe that my existence in kk's presence does nothing more than irking kk. So what if Destiny arranged for kk to cross my life? I should uncross it. Let the pain and agony torture me alone; let the laughter and smiles stay with kk.

Perhaps kk does not think that way. But I doubt I'll ever know. IF only kk talks more to me. I understand it's sch-time and kk will always be busy, so attempting to find out more will most probably just irritate kk. After all, is it really important for me to know how kk thinks, and considering all the disturbance to kk? For me, the choice is clear. There is simply no choice. No communication dude. You are nothing but hindrance. Fool. Go away.

[Up to this point, I realise I'm very tired. But I just had to unload my thoughts. I couldn't tell kk all these, and keeping them all in my head make my head swell big-time. Suffering in silence. That's just stupid me.

Sometimes I wonder if kk would ever stumble onto this place. What would she think when she reads some of my posts? All of my posts? How would she feel? I can't foretell, but whatever it is, I just hope that kk will understand that I meant well,. And ya I...

Nvm forget it.

Deadbeat. Another sleepless night. It's all right. =)

Revisiting the existence of this blog

I've been thinking why this blog existed at all. Criss-crossing lives. That's essentially the gist of this blog. Whatever the reasons for its birth some long ago, in recent months it has served to be a good dumping ground for my over-worked brain. Having to juggle so many issues in my mind, in Thailand and Singapore, was draining. But I guess that's what life is all about perhaps?

Reading past entries have served to provide myself with hints of past events and lessons learnt. I wonder how I would react when I read my recent entries 10 years later. Laugh it off? I'll find out then.

Gundam Seed Destiny Special Edition Opening

Leaving a comment

Hi,

If you happen to be reading my blog, do leave a comment. Especially if we are friends.

=)

Releasing opposing thoughts in my mind

Past performance is no guarantee of future results. Thinking this way keeps one's feet firmly on the ground ,in the light of past achievements. But it is still legitimate to seek strength and comfort from past achievements, especially at times of low confidence and morale. Against all adversity, against all odds. There are much to be learnt from one's past too, so perhaps one should not be too eager about forgetting one's past.

Should I talk to kk when I see her? I'm not sure, but this tacitly means a "no", since indecision leads to silence. The "yes" side says, "Talk. You never know if you will ever see her after today." The "no" side says, "Stay clear. Don't let her see you. There's nothing to talk about anyway. A short "hi" and "bye" just feels so awkward. Wait till there's a chance for longer conversations."

I'm not sure what kk's perspective is. "Ha he's just one of those boys treating me like an object - brushed aside when there's no furthur value". Or "He just feels awkward, but I know he still treats as a good friend". Or "Who cares? I have so much more issues to deal with, let alone care about a fool floating around on campus."

I guess it's a mix between the last two possibilities. I am just an ant. Too small and insignificant. Who cares?

And why should I?

I realise I have been discussing these issues with myself, and perhaps some others at times. But seldom with kk. Hardly fair to her. That is, if she cares at all.

Assuming an optimistic view of the situation - that is, she does care - how should I let loose all my thoughts, such that she understands? Or is there a need at all? Reveal the existence of this blog on MSN? Most probably all but kk will read my past posts and blast me for being naive and desperate. Sending an email saying, "Hey I have a blog. Read it" sounds weird to kk. And it may appear that I had purposely posted all these for kk to read - it seems so fake and desperate. I might as well just send kk an email, instead of directing her to my shrine. Fool.

So what if kk reads? I doubt the posts are touching at all. Frustration is the more probable tone. I would seem more like a poisoned man. Hopeless, beyond cure.

Oh my, am I so free to be thinking about this matter again? Hey you have the same battles like kk to fight as well. Thanks.

What's worth fighting for - help oneself, to help others

怜香惜玉

Man and wife, or was it Man and Boy?

Tony Parsons is the author of the books, and though it was a long time since I read them, there is one concept that I remember: There may be many good ladies out there, but you should only put your name tag on one of them. And this is sufficient. You don't have to tag every one of them.

No, it's not that I have multiple targets in mind. It's about how to handle the pre-occupation with kk. A doomed venture, as it seems to me, and moving on is difficult at best. Is this feeling - the unwavering reluctance to part - really love? Or is it crush? I'm into 22 years of age, and still figuring this out. I feel lousy. Or should I not?

看见你，不敢靠近；
怕伤了你，伤自己。
远望着你笑容，
知足了，离去。

Meanwhile, considering the less fortunate in society, I berate myself for being a listless, useless fool. Wasting time daydreaming, all in the name of "love". Nothing gets done. What happened to the Zhane of yesteryear? Stop using "love" as the blanket excuse for all inactivity. What's your mission in life?

我要你快乐，我要你开心。
可这一切都不由我主宰。

我的出现会让你开心吗？
或许不会吧。
你现在快乐就好了。
反正你伤心时，也许我还不知。

典型的，无谓的相思。
醒醒吧。
可能缘分来得太早。

Awakening

It was a step backward. Look at the pictures. They don't lie. What's the use of ORDing, when it only leads to degeneration?

You'd better make sure there's enough propellant to propel you forward. There's much catching up to do. Time is way ahead of you. His lead is huge, almost insurmountable. And it's not showing any sign of slowing down.

M*F gave you a sense of purpose, responsibility. You were a defender, guardian, and saviour. You had a duty. Now that you are back to school, you have been running about in circles, in the name of "new experiences". Perhaps that was useful, but extended periods perhaps amount to "aimless work done". There is a purpose behind all that exposure. Now it's time to review that purpose.

What have you learnt about yourself? What are your strengths? Build on it. This should be the first step. As for the weaknesses, take note of it. But priority now should be on the building up of strength. That includes both physical and mental capabilities. Language and communication skills are the obvious themes of this semester, coinciding with academic requirements. Therefore dual purposes - both academic and personal goals - are served.

Faiz: Blast mode.

Thinking of you

Loving ya...

I'll open a chamber, deep down in my heart, and lock up my love for you, right there. Ha there's no other way, none at all, not any other way that I can think of. I have to move on and focus on the other pressing issues. Why am I emulating the way you are handling this? But I'm prepared to take the risks. After all, what other viable options do I have?

February will be a testing month, twice the difficulty this time round, but we'll see. One step at a time; one night at a time.

Night-time has always been stressful these days. Thinking of you. Ha...

Jing said she hasn't seen me like this before. Where's that air of confidence and poise (if it was even present in the first place)? 哪里，找我的梦？被偷得梦，偷偷的，逃走了，不见了；一无所有了，一辈子晃晃悠悠。。。

And Sumiko Tan's article today hit the nail on my head. It provided a clear view of my current state of affairs. But the question of whether the answers provided truly applies to me remains unanswered.

Encouragement has been coming from unexpected corners of life, but there is only so much that Destiny can do. Eventually, it's up to my heart and soul. I thank the efforts of Fate for trying to help, even though it's the same One who set up this trial for me. Oh well... Fair enough.

Jacky Cheung, 13, 14 Jul 2007, Singapore Indoor Stadium

Venturing forward

You know what's the end product, roughly. Your intention. The end result, and hopefully plus a desirable by-product. Otherwise, the completion of the product is a desirable outcome, and it is worth the effort as well. The new way forward. But it will take some getting use to. Sometimes I forgot the fact that I'm human, not robotic. There are many ways that the two forms are different.

I think I heard this story before. Maybe not.

Unsure of where this path leads to. 闯闯看吧！

Low Self-worth may be cause of spreading anxiety

(Wendy Chua K. Wand, mindyourbody, January 10, 2007)

"When people are afraid of using their voice, it is likely that they have suffered from excessive criticism or verbal abuse. They start to invalidate their own opinions and feelings and assume that people will neither approve, nor like what they are saying.

Another cause may be excessive shame. They have a secret that they are ashamed of, and so they avoid social contact in case they reveal the secret in their words or eyes.

...

Was there an event or events that could have caused so much humiliation and shame,..., that reduced your confidence to speak out?

...examine the possible causes. Who are the people in your lives that criticise you - parents, teachers, peers, others? What are the criticisms about?

Many people share with me that they hear criticisms about their speech that imply "you are not good enough", "you are talking nonsense", "you should not say such things".

Many adults hear such negative messages from young. Some were also ridiculed when they made mistakes during class presentations.

Writing down the critics in your life and their messages will help you deal with the second step.

The second step is to take a good look at these criticisms and find evidence that they are too harsh and do not tell who you really are. You are good enough, you do have valid and useful things to say etc. This is working to bring up your self-worth.

The third step is to write about the people in your life who appreciate you and what are their positive messages about you. If you get stuck at this step, then it is time to get some feedback from your family and friends. Given your fragile self-esteem at this point, I would suggest you ask them for positive traits so you can build your self-worth.

If you have a secret that you feel is burdening yourself, find someone you trust and voice it out. By being careful not to talk about something that bothers you, you are destroying your own voice. So give your voice an opportunity to be heard.

Finally, set some practical social goals for yourself. Given your shy nature, you may want to aim to spend time with your family and friends in small groups of not more than four at a time. Be the one to listen to their chatter and not be anxious that you have to talk a lot. Everyone appreciates a great listener. Your goals can also include taking public speaking classes or even story-telling classes. This will help you learn techniques that address your specific needs.

It is good that you are addressing this anxiety while you are still young and studying. You would not want this to interfere with your life when you are working and dating. Learning to express yourself with clarity, confidence, and compassion is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself, and the community"

I'm glad chilli is seemingly happy. Kk is happily in good company. Everybody's doing just fine.

Looking for Inner Peace

I thank Destiny for providing respite for me these two days. Met some old and new friends, some of whom were walking along the corridors. It made me feel very much contented. Yesterday saw ZJ, today met SH. At least for a moment, I could feel the warmth of friendship again. I'm touched. The world isn't so dark after all.

Reminded me of her again. I'm getting confused. I'm glad she's living a happy life of her own. As for kk... Saw kk today. Seemed to be in a rush. Well.. Look from afar, and make sure she's alright. That's the way to go, for now. I'm not sure when this will change. No point engaging her. Perhaps this will leave her feeling awkward, and me feeling disturbed afterwards. Spare me the pain, spare her the troubles. I wonder if Destiny has plans for me to improve the state of affairs. Maybe not.

Maybe.

Stay strong Zhane. Time will tell. Meanwhile, stay alive.

Flooded with thoughts

Have been thinking alot, if only I wrote my thoughts down. Basically confidence is at an all-time low. Been here done that though. Wonder when it would be over this time round.

The past leads me on to the present. Why I'd treated kk so well perhaps stemmed from that past. Well the fact that kk's a nice person of course played a part. I wanted to make amends. I'm not sure if she remembers me. Or whether I would greet her if we meet. Or whether she would do likewise. Considering that I was a minor disturbance then, perhaps it was best that she'd forgotten about it? Oh my... What I did then took great courage, I must say. Thanks to Datuk Abdullah for his inspiration lol

Now, I seem to understand the meaning of my own words in August last year. "Long-lasting friendship"... I guess, to me, kk and her have become the kind of ppl I will never forget for another 10 years at least, and that I would willingly help, even if they don't ever remember me. Cos I'll always feel, somehow, a little sense of guilt. Not that I did anything wrong, just regret for being a minor nuisance. I think this is silly, but perhaps I just can't help it... But I reckon it is hard for me to know, in the first place, that they needed help. And considering the circle of friends they have, who am I to think that I can help? Staying clear of their path perhaps is the next best deed I could have done.


Kk, kk... Maintaining contact this sem is near-impossible, with the seemingly disintegration of the group. And the introduction of new characters in the new term. And I can't foresee how, in any way, I can be of assistance to her. Fretting in a corner, like now, serves no logical purpose as well.

What am I doing? I wasted days and weeks about all these. Thoughts that have continued to haunt me sporadically throughout the years suddenly start to return more frequently.

Now, what am I doing in SMU? Hiding? No, destiny found me once more. The usual torment. Transformaton required. That's why I'm here. Intimidated by others? Actually why should I? Perhaps this is why past misadventures keep floating in my mind frequently these days. These are mistakes I hope not to commit, ever again. It is a tough order, but that's also why I need to be reminded of its importance in my life. If I truly understood this point, then there is no longer any valid reason why I should feel intimidated by anyone in SMU. I'm not in SMU to be better than U, or u, or whoever. If you are outstanding, articulate and knowledgeable, I should learn from you. I feel the need to be a better person. And it gets more urgent by the day. Maybe this explains the trembles.

Friendship was also a recurring theme. WTF happened in vjc? Perhaps I've the wrong concept about maintaining close friendship. Making new friends should not be an issue, but making them last seems to be the challenge. What's not been done right?

I need more time to think, but it occurred to me that this should have been done and completed in December.

So no unnecesarry specials to kk. Normalise relations asap, for much joy remains to be derived from a healthy friendship. Somehow, I must try my very best to achieve this. I dare question Destiny: since you brought kk in, is now the time for her to exit? I hope not though, but if so, that kk re-enters my life again. For I treasure that friendship, no matter how brief it was. I want to sustain it. Or at least have the chance to try. At least I can try, if only you grant me the chance. For creating my own chance seems to be a move out of line.

Of course, academic issues seem to clog the airwaves in SMU. But try to go beyond it. Get your academic work completed, well done, efficiently. There are other areas of yourself that you need to develop. Work to the point that you find yourself with time to spare.

And, remember, there is still some good left in you. Don't lose it.

What are the keys to your heart?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?